You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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