I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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