Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
