new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
