Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
