Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We got so high we made milksteak
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
