I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
