theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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