Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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