Dude my mom stole all your condoms
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
