I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
