a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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