btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
