i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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