every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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