I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
