Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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