3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
