I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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