dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize