he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
