I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
