she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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