Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
