Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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