So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
