apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
