It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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