do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
