Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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