You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
