Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
