The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
