As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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