There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize