someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
