i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
