Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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