He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
