A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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