she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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