My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
