P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
