I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
