when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
