Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
