Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
