You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
