i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
