So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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