me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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