I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Randomize
