Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
