i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
