can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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