Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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