it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
