I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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