I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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